When starting a relationship one must earn trust….why is it that everyone seems to assume trust should be given freely. Perhaps it’s my reserved nature but I am having issues trusting. My relationship with myself is only now trusting after 38yrs. I used to ignore my “gut” and pretent those bad feelings of intuition were just a figment of my imagination well now I know that was my body… my protection….. saying “run”…… something doesn’t feel right….intentions or actions should not be trusted. I must also remember one’s actions speak louder than any words. How someone treats you is exactly how they feel about you! Remember your 1st love and all the trust you gave him or her then remember all the betrayal you felt when your heart is broken. The pain of betrayal is what we all want to avoid in any relationship. But for me that fear of being betrayed is very strong and always seems to be at the forefront while starting any relationship. How do you proceed how to you allow a relationship to grow without trust?
I am going through the process of letting go of the past, it’s not an easy task because it forces you to examine parts of your life that I personally don’t want to revisit. I was aware and delusional at the same time, one moment in love the next moment unhappy with how I was treated. Why did I accept to treated as such for so long? Did I believe the value he put on me? Was my self esteem so low that I believed that’s what I deserved? I under-valued myself to a degree that I thought his treatment was acceptable. Why did I place such a low value on myself that’s the biggest mystery. I can’t go back and change the past. I can only move forward
I received a very disrespectful and demeaning message from someone I love and I had a light bulb moment. The behavior is a message about how he/she feels about himself/herself and it’s not my responsibility to fix it. I am in charge of my own self respect and self worth. I chose to stay silent and make own peace a priority. Engaging in a fight will only perpetuate the negativity and the behavior. My inner being is more important than that and I will protect myself.
Throughout my life I can say I’ve been through a lot for someone of my age. I continue to love others but cannot allow myself to feel the love of others perhaps it’s all the pain I have seen as a nurse….the pain of watching someone die weighs on me. I will not say how many deaths I have been present for because the numbers are shocking however there is a common theme. We will all die that is a certainty none of us can escape. I want to trust that life will work out. I want to trust again and love again without the walls I have built up in my heart.
Some days I’m miss him some days and some days I am disgusted with the amount of time I gave to him. I am responsible for allowing it to continue. Although I also forgive myself for I did not see then what I see and understand now. I was shrouded in love and hope and this want to be a family. Allowing the same relationship to continue now with the knowledge would be harmful to my self respect. People who use will continue to benefit from the situation as long as you allow it. You have to set boundaries and limits. He keeps coming back because I allow the behavior to continue but if I finally want to move forward I have to change my own behavior.
Why can’t I let go. I am strong enough…I will survive the pain. I know I deserve more, someone who makes me a priority…someone who never lets an ounce of doubt cloud my mind as to whether he loves me or he values me….someone who wants me to be a part of his life. Am I putting too much pressure on my self to move on. I don’t want to move on I have loved this man for the past 6 years and continue to love him but again I deserve more. It’s been long road to self-acceptance. But yet I hang on. Why? I have to accept what is….there is no solution and nothing will change 6 years have proven that but I hang on to this hope that miraculously he will love me and treat me as a priority. Why is this hope and belief so strong and ingrained in me. I don’t have the answer
I am thankful for so many things in my life, my son, my mom, my friends, my job, the wonderful dedicated women I work with. I am thankful I have a home, clothes on my back that I like and make me feel comfortable. Being thankful is important to acknowledge. Life could be a whole lot worse…I am thankful for my strength I forget at times the hell that I have been through it didn’t kill and I continue to love regardless which is amazing. I will one day get what I want I have to be patient and allow a healing that must take place in order to move on. The past is over and it cannot hurt me anymore. I have to be receptive.