Just can’t sleep

Lately for almost a month now I fall asleep like any other normal human being but I wake up like clockwork in the middle of the night, sometimes I make it to 3am. No I’m not waking up to go to the bathroom. Sometimes my heart is racing or it’s pounding so loud it rings in my ears. My co-workers think it’s anxiety we’ve discussed it many times after being told I look exhausted. But honestly is it a wonder why I would be feeling so anxious. There’s the Covid-19 pandemic where I watched patients die daily then ended up getting very sick myself. I am very thankful the coronavirus did not render me in the hospital as was the case with many others. My symptoms were just a nuisance…I have a fever of 103-104 for several days, muscle aches all over, nasal congestion and pain, along with loss of taste or smell for over a month. Then the systemic racism of this country reared its ugly face showing proof of its despicable existence causing peaceful demonstrations and unfortunately riots. The unrest of this country alone is enough to make one anxious. The brave new world where we wear masks every where we go makes me cringe. I’m treated like a leper even though I now test negative biweekly an indicator the virus in me is no longer contagious. All these exterior stressors alone would keep any “normal” person awake a night. However let’s add my work stressors, currently I have a patient on my unit who is psychotic, she yells profanities pacing up and down the hallway outside my office all day followed by crying out for her mum. She hugs you then attempts to punch you. This patient’s plight alone brings me to tears to boot she is my mum’s age, which is even more heart breaking. My personal life is unstable…all I want to do is sleep through the night…..this too shall pass, like a kidney stone…but it will pass.

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