Enlightening

I read this book called “The 4 agreements”. The basic concept is that all our beliefs about ourselves and the world are agreements that we made with ourselves. For example you believe you are fat that’s an agreement you have made with yourself it may or may not be true. Essentially to be happy and free the author is suggesting you live by the 4 agreements. The 4 agreements are be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best. It was enlightening to say the least. I spent a long time in a relationship with someone because I took everything he did personally and I made assumptions. I didn’t love myself enough to be truthful with myself I swam down the river of denial for years. Though I feel I didn’t waste my time because I believe the experience taught me some valuable lessons about life and what I want. I made the assumption he wanted the same things I wanted instead of clarifying and asking questions. I lived in the dreameworld of my assumptions. I always believed he knew what I wanted so therefore if we continue the relationship we must want the same thing. I didn’t want to hear the truth. I internalized his struggle with alcoholism and his own lack of self love. I took his behavior personally so I made the agreement with myself that I’m not good enough I don’t deserve better. So all of the disrespectful behaviors and cruel things he said I took personally when really it was all about him and his self hatred. If I loved myself at the time I would have spoken up, I would have left the relationship. It took me many years to love myself but once I finally did I stood up for myself, I asked questions, I held him accountable, I didn’t make assumptions anymore I was honest with myself. The denial I once lived in for years was over. I realized that he wanted me to be different he didn’t accept who I was which truly meant he didn’t love me. Honestly I didn’t accept him either there were a lot of things about him I didn’t like. But his self-destructive behavior and disrespect towards me had nothing to do with me. I thought I could change him and I could be better then our relationship would finally work. But I got lost I wasn’t myself anymore I denied who I was to fit into what he wanted. I suppressed a lot of my feelings to keep the peace. I was voiceless. The denial was deep. For some reason this book has given a type of understanding about the relationship that gives me closure. It has allowed me solidify my moving on and moving forward, forgiving myself and him. The pain of the relationship doesn’t have as much power over me as before.

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