The whole process

I am going through the process of letting go of the past, it’s not an easy task because it forces you to examine parts of your life that I personally don’t want to revisit. I was aware and delusional at the same time, one moment in love the next moment unhappy with how I was treated. Why did I accept to treated as such for so long? Did I believe the value he put on me? Was my self esteem so low that I believed that’s what I deserved? I under-valued myself to a degree that I thought his treatment was acceptable. Why did I place such a low value on myself that’s the biggest mystery. I can’t go back and change the past. I can only move forward

There is a message in the way a person treats you. Just listen

I received a very disrespectful and demeaning message from someone I love and I had a light bulb moment. The behavior is a message about how he/she feels about himself/herself and it’s not my responsibility to fix it. I am in charge of my own self respect and self worth. I chose to stay silent and make own peace a priority. Engaging in a fight will only perpetuate the negativity and the behavior. My inner being is more important than that and I will protect myself.

Where has it gone

Throughout my life I can say I’ve been through a lot for someone of my age. I continue to love others but cannot allow myself to feel the love of others perhaps it’s all the pain I have seen as a nurse….the pain of watching someone die weighs on me. I will not say how many deaths I have been present for because the numbers are shocking however there is a common theme. We will all die that is a certainty none of us can escape. I want to trust that life will work out. I want to trust again and love again without the walls I have built up in my heart.

4

Waves of separation

Some days I’m miss him some days and some days I am disgusted with the amount of time I gave to him. I am responsible for allowing it to continue. Although I also forgive myself for I did not see then what I see and understand now. I was shrouded in love and hope and this want to be a family. Allowing the same relationship to continue now with the knowledge would be harmful to my self respect. People who use will continue to benefit from the situation as long as you allow it. You have to set boundaries and limits. He keeps coming back because I allow the behavior to continue but if I finally want to move forward I have to change my own behavior.

Why can’t I let go?


Why can’t I let go. I am strong enough…I will survive the pain. I know I deserve more, someone who makes me a priority…someone who never lets an ounce of doubt cloud my mind as to whether he loves me or he values me….someone who wants me to be a part of his life. Am I putting too much pressure on my self to move on. I don’t want to move on I have loved this man for the past 6 years and continue to love him but again I deserve more. It’s been long road to self-acceptance. But yet I hang on. Why? I have to accept what is….there is no solution and nothing will change 6 years have proven that but I hang on to this hope that miraculously he will love me and treat me as a priority. Why is this hope and belief so strong and ingrained in me. I don’t have the answer

Thankful

I am thankful for so many things in my life, my son, my mom, my friends, my job, the wonderful dedicated women I work with. I am thankful I have a home, clothes on my back that I like and make me feel comfortable. Being thankful is important to acknowledge. Life could be a whole lot worse…I am thankful for my strength I forget at times the hell that I have been through it didn’t kill and I continue to love regardless which is amazing. I will one day get what I want I have to be patient and allow a healing that must take place in order to move on. The past is over and it cannot hurt me anymore. I have to be receptive.

Life

I’m realizing what I want out of life is not a career. I’ve always wanted a family, an unbreakable unit. I got married at very young age and thought I found the love of my life we had our son, which has was and remains the best part of my life. But after I got a divorce I was devastated. After many years I wanted to meet someone new and complete the family unit with a partner. I met someone and I thought he was “the one” but fast forward 6 years later and I’m in a relationship where my needs are not being met. I ask myself how have I let so much time pass? What did I do wrong? Why am I not enough? I find myself in this constant mental anguish and struggle. I’m jealous of others that seem to have it all. How can I change my situation. The pain is overwhelming…..

Having the courage wasn’t the problem…

I’ve always had to fight for my place in the world. On the playground I was the minority on top of being the tiniest kid so I’ve always had to be scrappy and willing to stand up for myself cause no one else was going to. I’ve always known what it takes however what happens after you’ve stood up…..you don’t just go riding off into the sunset…you continue to struggle and wonder….am I good enough….I’m I worth it?…..

My heart is breaking

I didn’t want to end my relationship. But in order to preserve my feelings of self-worth I had to. I don’t feel like it was the right thing to do. I miss him already….I love him with all my heart and would have spent the rest of my life with him but does he feel the same way about me….I don’t know. And if he did this doubt would not exist in my mind.

Message from my heart

I want to start anew I want to turn the page but I’m stuck on my latest chapter. I’ve been working on my self esteem for a long time. The current situation I’m in doesn’t honor this process. I’m in a relationship where I want to move forward but my significant other doesn’t. So what’s the solution? I have to end the relationship. If I don’t then I’m essentially chipping away at my feelings of self-worth and not building on my self esteem. Admitting to myself that I am in this situation is very difficult for me. I love him but if he truly loved me then we would have moved forward a long time ago.